New Bad
In which I tell you the story of two Fallen Queens
To hear me read this post, scroll to the bottom where you will find an audio version.
I first came across Esther Rose’s music in 2023 when Spotify put her song Spider on my algorithm generated Folk & Acoustic Mix playlist. The twangy guitar, sleepy drum beat, and sweet yet emotional vocals shook me from my task and moved me to immediately investigate to whom this music belonged. The words to Esther’s chorus felt personal, like perhaps she and I had a shared experience with arachnids. As I fell into her catalogue of music I wondered, Who was this person, Esther – a country folk singer, living in Santa Fe, with the name of a Queen from The Old Testament? Not long after, as all good love stories begin, Esther and I began following each other on Instagram.
I received an email from Esther’s manager asking if Esther could send me her most recent album, Safe to Run, on vinyl. I offered to send her a copy of my book, Men Have Called Her Crazy, in exchange, but I was told she already had it. I sent her one of my AMT tote bags instead, reveling in this sort of artist exchange. I included a note offering my visual artistic services should she ever want to collaborate. In the email I soon received from Esther, she informed me that she had just recorded a new album but had not yet started working on the visuals. She asked if I wanted to listen to it and bounce ideas back and forth while she was on her European tour. She included one anecdote about her new album – called Want – which was that she felt it was a spiritual twin to my book.
Upon first listen I realized Esther was correct.
A month of creative exchange, steeped in Lynchian synchronicity that bordered on psychic, turned into me landing at the Santa Fe airport to shoot Esther’s album cover. We did things in the way scrappy women who are used to pushback and rejection do things. She booked me 5 days in the El Rey Court with the on-paper plan that I would shoot the album cover, but with the off-label knowledge that we would shoot the music video for the album’s first single, New Bad, as well. It was the end of October, a magical time for desert light, and at the end of the week there would be a big Halloween party at El Rey, which many of Esther’s friends would be attending. We can’t not shoot that, I had said to Esther over FaceTime, and she agreed. We mutually decided to move forward with both the cover and the video. If the record label decided they hated the video they could scrap it and shoot another with a pre-approved director. It was worth the risk.
The first thing I noticed about Esther, after loading my bags into her white tour van and beginning the drive to El Rey Court, was the soothing cadence of her speaking voice. It is the exact kind of voice I’ve always wished I had – smooth, melodic, and feminine. Then, there is her laugh. It is the best laugh, a bit high, genuine in force, and sweet. I’m the sort of person who is uncomfortable around people I don’t know, though I’m very good at masking the discomfort. I have a gift of being able to fill in the gaps in conversations with apparent ease; it is something people notice about me. What they don’t realize is it comes with high cost and major energetic output. My brain spends these moments, or minutes, or hours flooded with adrenaline and cortisol, which makes me quick with response, but nearly blacked out. I leave a conversation often unable to recall any of it. Afterward I feel totally depleted in mind and spirit. This instinct is something I’ve been working hard to correct, though I find my success hinges at least partially on the other party. I felt nervous the night I landed in Santa Fe. I didn’t know Esther outside of emails and one Facetime and now I was about to spend 5 days with her. I wondered if this anxiety-need to fill all space with conversation would kick in and exhaust me. I was surprised to find I felt immediately at ease in her presence.
We blocked off the first whole day for shooting the album cover, but I got it in a matter of hours. Capturing a great photograph is skill in which I have the utmost confidence. I always know what I’m looking to achieve ahead of time and that allows me to get the correct shot rather quickly. I don’t feel the need to get a bunch of alts, or vamp for the client to falsely project how much work I’m doing. I value concision and not wasting my or anyone else’s time. When I have the shot, I know and am ready to move on. But often it’s hard for women to work this way because we are inherently less trusted than men who do the same work. It’s also risky to admit your own confidence because it might be interpreted as hubris.
On the walk out of the canyon Esther said to me, I like the way you do things. You’re quick and when you know, you know. I laughed and agreed, feeling grateful she saw this as an asset rather than a sign of perfunctory incompetence. Then she told me about recording Want and how most of the songs she got on the first or second take. You get it, I said. When you know, you know.
I felt Esther’s trust from the beginning. And her flexibility. We shot the album art and the music video in the vastness of the New Mexican desert and we let the desert be our guide, neither of us holding too tight to ideas we had put to paper. I let the desert light dictate the direction we shot. I let the landscape dictate where Esther should stand, or run, or jump, or kick. The one time I lapsed in my listening, I walked into a cactus and Esther had to pull a quill out of my back (I caught it on camera). As we drove into the rocky landscape hoping to find a burned-out car Esther had seen a couple of years earlier but never locating it, we decided that were we meant to find the car the desert would have offered it up to us. Next time, I said, we’ll burn the car out ourselves.
We spent five days, just the two of us, traversing the desert talking and laughing about love, family, our careers, therapy, ketamine, divorce, and music, all while filming a video whose themes and visuals were predicated on the pluralism of self. We also spent a lot of time in comfortable silence watching a golden sun set into an inky sky.
On our last day, I thanked Esther for taking this chance on me. She, of course, had access to all my photographs, but there was little in terms of video work to prove my proficiency, let alone talent. I was surprised to learn it wasn’t my visual work, but my memoir, which had gotten me the job. I just knew you would get what I was trying to say, Esther told me.
I left Santa Fe incredibly proud of what we had accomplished, just two women, a camera, (eventually) a pickup truck, and a type of ingenuity born from the long-honed skill of pivoting and reinventing. I also left sad that Esther and I live so far away from each other.
Want is an exceptional album. I’m so excited for Esther to birth this creation into the world on May 2nd. The first single, New Bad, is out now, as is the music video which I directed, shot, and edited. I photographed the album cover (and back cover), which I highly recommend buying on vinyl so you can see the full, unbroken image. Jackson Tupper did the graphic design. I also created the Spotify canvas for the album.
Thank you to Esther, my fellow Fallen Queen, my fellow New Bad, for trusting my aesthetic eye. I look forward to our next collaboration and to finally finding that burned out car.
Pre-save Want HERE, and in the meantime, you should follow Esther’s Substack to read her full track diary as it rolls out.
Enjoy the video!
Lovely! 🥰
Have never heard of her, but my fingers are racing to google now!